Friday, August 4, 2017

Hair-brained ideas

So I scheduled a fill for next Thursday. I'm hoping to get into the green finally but my hopes are not high. Every day I get more and more worried that I'm becoming one of those statistics of failed lap-banders. Unable to find that sweet spot again. Always too loose or too tight. Stuck in purgatory.

Who's fault is that? Mine? The band? Both? Could I try harder? Always. Is that feasible? Maybe only partially. Is my band even feasible for me anymore as a busy mom of 2? This is what I'm struggling now. What do I do? Chris doesn't like me getting fills because I'm getting stuck a few times a week at dinner from eating when stressed or too fast. It upsets him to see me in pain. It hurts him to have to dodge questions from our 4-year-old on what is wrong with mommy...and it hurts me too. But I got my band for a reason and I WANT to use it. It's worked before and I hate thinking it may not work for me again like has happened to so many other people.

I've also been shamefully researching revision surgery from lap band to the gastric sleeve. I have a friend who recently went to Mexico to have the sleeve done and she is doing great. We talked about it throughout her process. Now I'm getting the itch. I always told myself I wouldn't get anything more than lap band... but now I'm reconsidering and I don't know if I'm thinking clearly or if I'm thinking out of frustration.

I need a list of pros and cons. I need to know if my (new) secondary insurance will even cover a revision. As you may recall, my primary insurance does not and will never cover anything bariatric. I need to see if my husband would just flat out say no due to the severity of the procedure itself.

Pros: Faster weight loss, no more stuck episodes, more likely to be able to get panniculectomy down the road (and sooner rather than later), no more fills, less feelings of hunger

Cons: Any potential issues or scar tissue caused from lap band, increased risks after surgery (leaks, perforation), more invasive surgery, chance of regain (lower than lap band), longer recovery time (2-3 weeks), risk of permanent GERD, slight risk for vitamin deficiency (B12, iron)

While the cons are scarier, the pros are big. I just don't know what to do how to feel now that I've admitted to myself this is something I would consider if my insurance covered it. I feel like a hypocrite and failure and cheater... I guess we'll see how my surgeon feels about it next week.

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