Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Self-doubt is a real bitch

Well, after a day of research, watching videos, reading blogs, talking to insurance providers, I've realized I need to re-think my priorities and be honest with myself regarding my efforts with my band.

Yesterday I spoke to my new secondary insurance provider. They will cover my fills and if I pay for the premium coverage for $25 a month they will cover any type of bariatric surgery that I may want or need in the future (whether it be a revision or a repair). So I'm definitely going to upgrade my insurance no matter what. It would be silly not to as it will save me so much money in the long-run. 

I also spoke with my husband last night. Told him my fears of my band 'failing' and the pros of a revision. He didn't say no immediately, so that's a plus. He did ask if I had some type of time frame in mind (which I didn't). He feels I need to give my band more time and make more of an effort as well (he suggested at least 2 years)...after thinking about it and facing some hard truths... He's right about my (lack of) efforts. 

When I jump into things, I generally want them RIGHT THEN. Once I make up my mind, I do anything I can to get what I want. But I need to take a step back. I'm obviously frustrated with myself and my lack of progress. I haven't really even been trying very hard to control my portions or what I'm eating because I'm NOT in the green and my home life is stressful. Knowing I won't have time to work out on a regular basis next semester also has me feeling some kind of way. I was working out 3-5 days a week last semester and even though I didn't lose a single damn pound, I felt GREAT. I was getting stronger. It was my place to work out my frustration and just overall feel good about myself for making progress with SOMETHING. Now I'm losing that and I'm very sad about it. It also means I will have to be more strict with my diet if I'm going to shed any pounds whatsoever. 

This is all assuming this fill I have scheduled for Thursday will put me in the green. God I hope it does. I am going to be super busy at work when the school semester starts and I will not feel comfortable taking time off work any time soon. Which means the soonest I could get another fill without missing work would be Fall break...which is October 9-10. Oof. 

No, I'm not taking revision to sleeve completely off the table at this point. I still want to talk to my surgeon and get her take on it. See when she considers the band a 'failure' and what the revision process would look like and maybe a rough time frame. I'm going to be completely honest with her about my efforts, stressors, etc. My husband is going with me so he can ask any questions he has...or put in his 2 cents about my choices (which I know he will). 

I have to be honest with myself if I want to see any results. If I can't follow through honestly with my band, why would I be able to do so with a sleeve? I'm just going to remind myself to think long-term instead of short-term. It's all I can do at this point.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Hair-brained ideas

So I scheduled a fill for next Thursday. I'm hoping to get into the green finally but my hopes are not high. Every day I get more and more worried that I'm becoming one of those statistics of failed lap-banders. Unable to find that sweet spot again. Always too loose or too tight. Stuck in purgatory.

Who's fault is that? Mine? The band? Both? Could I try harder? Always. Is that feasible? Maybe only partially. Is my band even feasible for me anymore as a busy mom of 2? This is what I'm struggling now. What do I do? Chris doesn't like me getting fills because I'm getting stuck a few times a week at dinner from eating when stressed or too fast. It upsets him to see me in pain. It hurts him to have to dodge questions from our 4-year-old on what is wrong with mommy...and it hurts me too. But I got my band for a reason and I WANT to use it. It's worked before and I hate thinking it may not work for me again like has happened to so many other people.

I've also been shamefully researching revision surgery from lap band to the gastric sleeve. I have a friend who recently went to Mexico to have the sleeve done and she is doing great. We talked about it throughout her process. Now I'm getting the itch. I always told myself I wouldn't get anything more than lap band... but now I'm reconsidering and I don't know if I'm thinking clearly or if I'm thinking out of frustration.

I need a list of pros and cons. I need to know if my (new) secondary insurance will even cover a revision. As you may recall, my primary insurance does not and will never cover anything bariatric. I need to see if my husband would just flat out say no due to the severity of the procedure itself.

Pros: Faster weight loss, no more stuck episodes, more likely to be able to get panniculectomy down the road (and sooner rather than later), no more fills, less feelings of hunger

Cons: Any potential issues or scar tissue caused from lap band, increased risks after surgery (leaks, perforation), more invasive surgery, chance of regain (lower than lap band), longer recovery time (2-3 weeks), risk of permanent GERD, slight risk for vitamin deficiency (B12, iron)

While the cons are scarier, the pros are big. I just don't know what to do how to feel now that I've admitted to myself this is something I would consider if my insurance covered it. I feel like a hypocrite and failure and cheater... I guess we'll see how my surgeon feels about it next week.