Monday, July 31, 2017

Anxiety monster

Well, it's been a while but I'm back....with nothing good to report.

My fill swelling went down and it's like it never happened. I want to get another fill in a couple weeks but Chris is against it...and I question myself on a daily basis about whether or not it's the right decision.

All I've been doing is researching different ways of getting healthier and losing weight. Desperately trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong when deep down I know what I'm doing wrong... Eating shit, tracking but not tracking my calories, eating too much, snacking, eating when I'm not hungry.

I've researched binge eating disorder recently to see if that could be part of my problem. There's a medication for that now too...which I definitely don't want or really need.

I keep going back and forth on what to do. Get a fill? Join Weight Watchers? Track calories more diligently? What should my calories even be at at this point? I feel so overwhelmed with info and lost at the same time it's ridiculous. I wish I had someone that would just tell me what I needed to do and force me to do it.

I don't think I'll have any time next semester to get to the gym to work out either and that is very upsetting to me. Yes, I can do work outs at home when I can, but who are we kidding? That doesn't work for some people for a reason. That means my diet will be the only thing I can depend on and I have so much information in my head I don't even know what is right and what will even work for me.

How many calories should I eat?  How low should my carbs be? Is it even sustainable for me? Can I do it without a fill? Why can't I just measure my food like I should? How hungry will I be if I measure my food and don't get a fill? Why is this so much harder this time around? What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just be happy with what I have and not care?

Monday, July 10, 2017

Negative Nelly

It seems I'm slipping already in my secret attempt at re-starting blogging to help with motivation. But here I am!

As with most fills before the green, my restriction I had is not as good as it was once the swelling went down. My portions are smaller in comparison to what they were, but I can still eat quite a bit and I'm hungry every couple hours. Head hunger is still a bitch too... I will eat a huge salad packed with protein but still want to eat even though I do feel physically full (not miserable, just full). I wish I knew why this urge to eat was so strong. It's very frustrating to not feel like you have control of your body sometimes.

Working out isn't happening yet. I'm waiting for my husband to be healed from a procedure so we can start going together but the healing is taking longer than anticipated...I'm trying to not be frustrated but I feel like my life is one big loop of "once this happens/is done/ends/starts things will get better" and then something else happens or that one thing never gets better/ends and things stay shitty....and this is why I have a hard time thinking positively.

My weight is basically the same as it was since my fill. I lost a couple pounds, which was awesome, but because of my inconsistent eating over the weekends it has gone back to going up and down the same few pounds - granted they are a few pounds LOWER than the previous yo-yo I was dealing with for the last few years, so that's a plus I guess.

I'm feeling a little down and defeated today (if you can't tell). I need another fill, but I hate racking up more bills and having to take a half day off work. I need to work out but I'm struggling to find time to fit that in. I need to control my eating more but evenings are crazy and weekends are never planned. I don't feel strong enough mentally, emotionally, or physically to keep up with all this right now. My family is exhausting me. Maybe I'm PMSing...since getting back on antidepressants my PMS symptoms have seemed much more obvious and drastic.

Either way, I really just want to snap out of this and find a new normal that doesn't suck.