Monday, July 31, 2017

Anxiety monster

Well, it's been a while but I'm back....with nothing good to report.

My fill swelling went down and it's like it never happened. I want to get another fill in a couple weeks but Chris is against it...and I question myself on a daily basis about whether or not it's the right decision.

All I've been doing is researching different ways of getting healthier and losing weight. Desperately trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong when deep down I know what I'm doing wrong... Eating shit, tracking but not tracking my calories, eating too much, snacking, eating when I'm not hungry.

I've researched binge eating disorder recently to see if that could be part of my problem. There's a medication for that now too...which I definitely don't want or really need.

I keep going back and forth on what to do. Get a fill? Join Weight Watchers? Track calories more diligently? What should my calories even be at at this point? I feel so overwhelmed with info and lost at the same time it's ridiculous. I wish I had someone that would just tell me what I needed to do and force me to do it.

I don't think I'll have any time next semester to get to the gym to work out either and that is very upsetting to me. Yes, I can do work outs at home when I can, but who are we kidding? That doesn't work for some people for a reason. That means my diet will be the only thing I can depend on and I have so much information in my head I don't even know what is right and what will even work for me.

How many calories should I eat?  How low should my carbs be? Is it even sustainable for me? Can I do it without a fill? Why can't I just measure my food like I should? How hungry will I be if I measure my food and don't get a fill? Why is this so much harder this time around? What is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just be happy with what I have and not care?

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