Monday, July 10, 2017

Negative Nelly

It seems I'm slipping already in my secret attempt at re-starting blogging to help with motivation. But here I am!

As with most fills before the green, my restriction I had is not as good as it was once the swelling went down. My portions are smaller in comparison to what they were, but I can still eat quite a bit and I'm hungry every couple hours. Head hunger is still a bitch too... I will eat a huge salad packed with protein but still want to eat even though I do feel physically full (not miserable, just full). I wish I knew why this urge to eat was so strong. It's very frustrating to not feel like you have control of your body sometimes.

Working out isn't happening yet. I'm waiting for my husband to be healed from a procedure so we can start going together but the healing is taking longer than anticipated...I'm trying to not be frustrated but I feel like my life is one big loop of "once this happens/is done/ends/starts things will get better" and then something else happens or that one thing never gets better/ends and things stay shitty....and this is why I have a hard time thinking positively.

My weight is basically the same as it was since my fill. I lost a couple pounds, which was awesome, but because of my inconsistent eating over the weekends it has gone back to going up and down the same few pounds - granted they are a few pounds LOWER than the previous yo-yo I was dealing with for the last few years, so that's a plus I guess.

I'm feeling a little down and defeated today (if you can't tell). I need another fill, but I hate racking up more bills and having to take a half day off work. I need to work out but I'm struggling to find time to fit that in. I need to control my eating more but evenings are crazy and weekends are never planned. I don't feel strong enough mentally, emotionally, or physically to keep up with all this right now. My family is exhausting me. Maybe I'm PMSing...since getting back on antidepressants my PMS symptoms have seemed much more obvious and drastic.

Either way, I really just want to snap out of this and find a new normal that doesn't suck.