Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Where's the follow-through, Erin?


Maybe I need to go back and read the beginning of my blog. Maybe somewhere in my words I can find where my motivation came from (as if I don’t know).  Maybe I can remember what it was like to have self-control and was able to say, “No thanks” on desserts, sweets, extra food, or anything at all.

I feeling a bit defeated today (ok, probably more like for the past month). My mind keeps going back to an article I read a long time ago on NerdFitness.com. It’s called “Are YouCollecting a Pile of Underpants? It has a funny analogy to go along with an episode from South Park, but the gist of it talks about gathering all of your information, getting totally prepared to do something life-changing and exciting, and then not following through with it. This is the story of my life right now (and has been in the past as well). As previously mentioned, I have a thing for doing research. What I haven’t really mentioned (nor had a problem with until recently) was that sometimes all that research leads to a giant pile of useless information.   

I’m just over 4 months postpartum. I’ve gone down just one clothing size, and I’ve lost (on a good day) only 20 pounds. I’m sure regular people see 20 pounds and say “But that’s great!” and it is, but when you gained 60 from being pregnant and lost almost 100 before that, it’s nothing. I’ve been researching workouts I can do in my office, clean-eating, the paleo diet, reading motivational articles on Nerd Fitness… I even signed up for a new program they are creating just for women to be notified when it comes out to test it. (If I can afford it.) But here I am… not walking stairs, buying mini candy bars at CVS on a whim, wanting and getting ice cream whenever and wherever I can. Failing at life is what I would call that. I’m failing (and flailing). I brought this on myself. I knew when I got pregnant (hell, I knew this when I was thinking about getting pregnant) that I would lose all self-control, go a little nuts, and struggle to find that center I had at one point. I saw this coming and yet I still did nothing. If I could kick my own ass, I probably would right now.

I feel very stuck and conflicted. I want to get a fill and get back into my groove of losing weight, but I’m afraid that getting a fill and reducing my calories will dwindle my already lack-luster milk supply. I’ve been half-assed trying to just control myself, but I’m quickly realizing that I got the lap-band for a reason. I have no self-control. I think this is also known as a food addiction. I have a food addiction. No, I don’t eat entire pizzas in the dark crying to myself about how fat and out of control I am. I just… can’t seem to control myself anymore. I can’t say “no”. Maybe deep down, I don’t want to…but then why do I feel so awful that I can’t find that place I was at before I got pregnant when I was losing weight and being awesome? (Don’t get me wrong – I’m still awesome.) Oh wait, I think that’s what addiction is (and guilt, let’s not forget guilt).

I want to breastfeed for at least 6 months, but I would prefer a year (even though really only breastfeed part-time, in the evenings/overnights/early mornings). What does that mean for my body? I’m not breastfeeding enough for the calories to ‘melt off’ at the rate I’m eating them, but I get hungry constantly. My weight has been steady for about 2 months. I make some good decisions, but I also make some bad ones. I don’t work out or do any real calorie-burning activities. The cravings I gave into during pregnancy have not left and have only increased...Chocolate, ice cream, carbs in general… stupid, stupid cravings. I almost had those under control at one point...almost. Now I have to start completely over and it’s been so long, I’ve forgotten how. Yeah, I know how to say no. I have all the tools and information you could ever freaking need to get started, but my motivation is hiding behind the what-ifs of my baby’s milk-supply.   

Don’t even get me started on the fear I have that my child will grow up with the same food/eating problems that I have. That’s a whole other guilt-ridden post.

So what do I do? Get a fill at 6 months and hope for the best? Wait until Xander self-weans and hope I don’t continue to get fatter? Cross my fingers? Shut my eyes and hope for the best? How do you choose who to put first when it comes to this sort of thing? How long do you put yourself second? Is it considered selfish to put yourself first too soon? Do I even care what other people think? (No, but I have enough mommy guilt already. I am my own worst enemy.)

Ugh. Wake up Erin. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you are starting from the VERY beginning. Do not. Just. Don’t. I don't even want to think about that possible situation.

7 comments:

  1. Oh honey this just makes me tear up...I don't have a baby do I can't know how thiscompletely feels but I do know where you're coming from with the self control stuff. I haven't ever had it even slightly under control. I would say put yourself first because it's super important but I haven't done the research to find out how cutting back and watching calories and such would affect breastfeeding. It really hasn't been that long and that wonderful baby boy needs whatever you can give him naturally for as long as possible! If it means that you can control at least 75% of your choices right now then I feel it will be much easier to dive back in with everything you have to get back on track after he's weaned himself.

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    1. Thank you Ash! I'm feeling very stuck right now in my life, but Chris and I are going to the store tonight to get Paleo-friendly foods. Here's hoping it sticks!

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  2. You just need to figure out which is more important. If Xander BFing for a year is more important, then do what is necessary for that. Get plenty of calories and make them count. Make good choices with your calorie intake. If getting the pregnancy weight off is more important, then do what is necessary for that. Xander will not fail in life because he only BF'ed for 4 months (at least I hope not because that all the time Liam had BF'ing). Get your fill, start going to meetings and get back on the wagon.
    The most important thing is for you to be healthy. Both physically and mentally. Xander needs you that way.
    <3 you

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    1. Thank you friend. I am going to call my lap-band doc tomorrow and see what their policy is/what he suggests...I will still wait at least 6 months though. I just know I'm going to feel guilty if I get a fill and my supply decreases more. Ugh.

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    2. Guilt is a big part of being a parent. You'll always feel guilty for something.

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  3. (1) Doesn't NerdFitness also have an article about the word 'can't', how it's self-defeating, and how changing how you *talk* about things can be the first step in your weight loss journey? Maybe instead of saying "I *can't* say no" try "I *don't* say no". Maybe that will help you regain some of that willpower you were talking about.
    (2) I feel like you've felt this way before - before you could get the WLS. You're looking into very restricted diets, which is fine! But they might be hard to keep up with. I know sometimes you need something more severe to get your butt in gear, but if Paleo or whatever doesn't work out in the long run.. maybe just focus on some simpler solutions? Like cutting out soda, or candy bars and ice cream, or just eating X number of veggies each day. Baby steps - smaller goals that you're more likely to meet.
    (3) You CAN do this. You HAVE done it. You WILL do it. And for bejesus's sake, woman!! You just had a BABY!! You are *only 4 months* postpartum!! That's.. what? Enough time to get like ONE decent night's sleep? :P Give yourself a break. You're going to have guilt as a parent - I think you accept that. Just remember to forgive yourself a little, too!
    (4) Love you!!! XD

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  4. Erin, we love you. I know you will get on the right track again and like the person said above, take "can't" out of your vocabulary! You have a lot of new things on your plate now being a new mom. You will get through this. I'm in your court.

    Love

    Aunt Sue

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