Monday, July 18, 2016

Challenge Update!

So, I'm 2 weeks into my challenge. I had to start after the holiday because I had family in town and there was too much food to avoid. Firstly, my little accountability group has 24 people in it! It's a mixture of real life friends and mommy group Facebook friends. It's quieter on there than I had hoped, but recipes are still being shared and support is still given!

How have I been doing with it? Well... My chocolate intake is definitely LOWER than what it was. I've only had chips twice since I officially started. I have had a few snack cakes over the weekend in a moment of weakness. Other than that, I've been doing pretty good! No white bread, fried food, fast food...nothing!

I've noticed if I keep up on my water intake, I don't have time to eat junk and I don't get hungry as often (duh)... but this means up my water by A LOT (for me). I try to drink 24 oz of water between breakfast and lunch at work. Some days are great and I get in 70 oz of water before 4 pm...other days I only get 24-48 a day. There were even a couple days last week I only drank 8 oz of water ALL DAY. I know, I know! So terrible. It's better than it was I guess, but not where I need to be.

So, even as good as I've been doing, I still haven't lost any weight. I did lose 1.5 lbs in the beginning of last week but it's back already. I've realized the flaw in my challenge - just cutting out certain things doesn't really work if you are replacing them with other bad things that are not on the list.

Chris and I are struggling to work out on a regular basis. Something is always coming up that doesn't allow us to go together. We are going to have to come up with another way to do this I think. Maybe some at home, body weight workouts from or something.

I have my first fill after having the baby in about 5 weeks. I wish it was sooner but I made a promise to Chris that I would get my eating habits/lap band rules under control first. I've been so lax in following my rules that it's like I've forgotten HOW to be a good bandster. My bites are too big. I don't chew my food enough. I eat too fast. I don't measure my portions well enough. I drink more than I should when I'm eating. Basically doing everything I KNOW is wrong. This is called 'eating around the band'. I've been getting a little better at some things, but others I really am struggling with. I'm hoping to get a food scale in a couple weeks however, and looking forward to re-learning what an actual cup of food looks like.

I have a physical appointment scheduled with my primary doctor in a couple weeks as well. I told her I wanted to do some bloodwork for my vitamin levels so I can take those into my lap band doctor when I see them. I haven't had any blood drawn since I found out I was pregnant in February of 2015 so it will be interesting to see how they've changed! At that time, my vitamin D was low, as was my B12. 

I have some stressful things going on in my life right now that are probably hindering my progress a little as well. Pretty soon school will be starting and that will add to my everyday stress as well, so I can't really use that as an excuse for long.

Life, I've noticed, is always stressful and it will never be easy or calm or 'normal'.

Until next time! 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Challenge time!

Well, I got motivated from someone in my lap band Facebook group and decided to do a challenge.

This is going to be very hard for me because I have a weakness for chocolate. I literally eat it almost every day. It's everywhere at work. I crave it. It's a serious addiction for me. I really want to take my lifestyle change seriously though so I thought this would be a good kick-start of getting some of the bad stuff out of my life!

I am including crackers in with chips. Potatoes are going to be WHITE potatoes only. Healthy versions of these foods are okay. Juice from a juicer is also okay. Otherwise, I'm sticking to this list.

I've created a Facebook group that some of my friends joined and we are all going to do this together! I'm really excited for the motivation and accountability of having a group of people doing this with me. It's not just my regular Facebook friends either; I also invited the girls in my "get healthy" mom group as well! I have a whopping 15 people in my group as of now. We are going to post before and after pics, pics of food, recipe and snack ideas... So exciting!

I am allowing a 'free day' for the 4th of July and some people aren't even going to start until July 5 and that's cool too. I'm hoping to make it through the weekend and maybe the 4th without cheating at all. It's going to be hard though because I've also just started my first period after having the baby almost 9 months ago.

Time to go weigh-in for day 1!

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Back in the saddle

I think I'm ready for this.

After a baby, big move, a job change, having my second (!!!) son, and signing back up for school I'm finally ready to get back into banded life and get healthier. 4 years ago I was weighing in at 197 lbs after 2 years being banded. Now, I'm back up to 250 lbs after having babies (whoever said breastfeeding made you lose weight was a LIAR) and falling back into old, bad habits. Bad habits suck. Cravings are awful. Head hunger is my worst enemy. Finding the time and motivation to work out with kids is laughable...but I have to try.

My husband wants to try too, so we are going to attempt (again) to do it together. We worked out yesterday. This was the first workout I've done in over 2 years. I felt lost and nervous, but it felt good. I felt like I was accomplishing something. I haven't felt accomplished in a long time. I'm walking like a zombie because of it but no pain, no gain I suppose. (Maybe not as many squats next time though.)

I'm ready to do this.

I am scheduled for a fill at the end of next month. I have 4 weeks to start getting my eating habits in check and to get back into following the rules of the lap band. I've been eating too much, too fast and it shows. Not only am I not losing weight, I get stuck daily because I'm not paying attention to how small my bites are and how quickly I'm eating. I'm keeping track of that now to hold myself accountable and show my husband I have the control to NOT get stuck all the time.

The countdown to July 25th has begun! 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Life happens.

Hello world, Erin here. Life happened...sorry! Lots of things have gone on since my last post. We moved back to Muncie in April and Xander had his first birthday just last month! And I got my first fill under fluoroscopy just yesterday.  Let's recap all those things now, shall we?

Xander is officially a toddler! He just had his first birthday on May 13th and I really cannot believe how fast this year has gone. My life seemed to go by pretty quickly anyway, but now that I have a child it seems even faster! (Of course, there are some days when I think that one day will never end.) Xander had lots of fun at his party and LOVED his cake. It was also adorable and I will have pics down here somewhere. 

My little man is pretty awesome. He has 4 teeth on top and 4 on bottom now, he walks, runs, hobbles like a zombie, but thankfully does not climb on furniture yet (although he does enjoy climbing on his daddy when Chris is laying/sitting on the floor). He says mum and dada, duh (I think he is trying to say dog), and gee (for our dog Gizmo). He also has started trying to sing with us, but he's really just making noise. He gives kisses (open-mouthed of course), clicks his tongue, and claps and waves (at inappropriate times). He also will do "so big" and raise his arms up as far as he can...all the time! It's pretty adorable.

We are currently dealing with stereotypical toddler issues... learning what "no" means but not caring, testing boundaries, throwing toys and smacking things, oh and throwing food instead of eating it (which is kind of the most annoying thing ever). He just got over his second cold ever and this one lasted a full week and ruined all the progress we had made with Xander eating new things and just eating at all. He has lived off of formula (which we are phasing out when we run out of this last can), toast and bananas, and cheese and crackers for the last week. I cannot explain the frustration I feel knowing my child isn't eating what I know he needs to eat when he was doing so well before. Now that Xander is finally feeling better though, Chris and I are going to bite the bullet, throw a towel on the floor, and just let him go nuts on any food we give him so he will at least put something edible in his mouth that is not cheese or crackers. Also, babies with colds is the worst thing ever. They don't understand why they feel this way, they don't understand why you keep attacking them with that scary thing you stick up their nose, and for the love of dog STOP WIPING MY NOSE. And they don't know that you don't want to do it and feel terrible and crying just makes your stuffy nose worse kid!!! Ugh. So glad last week is over.

Our recent triumph is Xander has started to drink out of his transition sippy cup! It's more like a bottle at this point, but the nipple changes to something more sippy cup-like. I cannot tell you how glad I will be when this is complete. I will probably be a little sad too, but it's a good step that means NO MORE WASHING BOTTLES. Hallelujah! 

Chris is still watching him while I work and then he works (also in Indy) on the weekends and I am home. Yes, it sucks as much as it sounds. I'm still working my Indy job and driving an hour to and from work every day is WHOA getting old and such a major waste of gas. Yes, I am looking for a local job but I have salary requirements that are not always easy to meet in Muncie's job market. Until then, I will continue my commute and continue being grumpy about it. 

Here are some recent pics of Xander...the ones with cake are from his birthday (obviously)
Birthday Blues Brother's suit!

Memorial Day cookout

Oooo cake!


My mini James Dean

Baby-wearing at the bookstore
Daddy and Xander people-watching at DD

Other than my adorable baby and awesome SAHD of a Husband, my life has been really...stressful. We found a house we loved in Muncie and started the buying process shortly after my last post. The closing date for our house was pushed back about 3 times and the last time it was pushed back it was ONE DAY before closing. A form wasn't turned in or signed like it was supposed to be but somehow it got all the way to the top before they threw it back at the bank. This meant all the planning for a rental truck, manual labor help, days off work...worthless. Thankfully, the bank realized how much they screwed me and paid for a moving company to help us (best idea ever, btw) and gave us a little extra for groceries! We didn't end up closing until April 7th. My birthday was April 8, and we moved on April 9. I do not recommend this. It worked out in the end though. The movers were amazing and fast and got a good tip from us for being so awesome, and I didn't have to burden any friends of family with moving all my crap.

Our house is exactly what we needed. Three bedrooms, one bath, living room, eat-in kitchen, washer and dryer, central air, big yard, garage. It's older and needs some repairs that we couldn't get the sellers to do (roof, update electrical) but it's nothing we can't handle with some planning and saving up and none of it is a dire need to fix right away situation. I won't lie, I'm stressed and worried about money and making ends meet...but I kind of always am so...whatever. (This is also another big reason I want to find a job locally...we are currently spending around $100/month for gas and I could pay bills with that money!) Xander also loves having carpet in the house and started walking as soon as he was free to wander around the floors!

Band land is...confusing. After my unfill, I got a very small fill in the beginning of April (did I mention that was a busy time for me?). It was 0.25cc. It really made no change in my eating or satiety. I haven't been paying attention to portion sizes or what I eat. It's mostly from stress. Taking care of a baby, working an hour away, and moving really has sucked all motivation from me. I'm struggling to think properly when it comes to band rules, my health, and my needs. I had this problem before too, but having a baby just adds someone else I devote my energy too and avoid taking care of myself. (This is also part of the issue I've been having with keeping up with my body love revolution...which is also kind of frozen in time because I am spread so thin already.)

Anyway, back to that appointment with the small fill. I mentioned to the nutritionist that I wasn't feeling full/satisfied but I was getting stuck regularly. She seemed a little concerned and suggested I ask to get my next fill under fluoroscopy to make sure everything is working properly. For those of you unfamiliar with this term, fluoroscopy is a gastric procedure where they do a fill while looking at my band and stomach with an x-ray machine while I drink a barium liquid that allows the doctor to see the fluid going into my stomach and through my band to make sure its all moving properly. I was a bit concerned that maybe my band had slipped a little or had a leak maybe which is why everything seemed to feel so different from the last time I remember this process. If something was wrong that would mean a whole new set of issues and decisions to make. On the other hand, if nothing was wrong then I really was just a really terrible bandster and needed a major wake-up call. 

Fast forward to yesterday...Turns out I'm a terrible bandster who needs a wake-up call. My mom watched Xander and Chris and I went to my doctor appointment. Chris got to watch everything on the screen as well and said he could see the (3-inch) needle get put into my port. Dr. Diaz gave me 1 cc of fluid and then they turned the bed thing I was laying on upright and I drank the barium solution and saw it go down my esophagus, get to my band, and the slowly ooze through about the size of a pinhole at a time. It also would reflux up a little into my esophagus (which I didn't feel). This means it was too he took out 0.5 cc and I took another drink. We watched the fluid go back down my esophagus and this time is pooled in my pouch (stomach) and slowly, but steadily went through my band. There was a bit of residual back flow of fluid but it went through shortly after. I knew how this worked but it was pretty cool to see it and feel it at the same time. Chris said it helped give him an idea of what was going on in there with me as well, so I think that was really helpful. 

This was also helpful for me because it really did show me that I am just blatantly not using the band the way it's supposed to be used, as a tool. You can't use a tool if you aren't even TRYING to do whatever it is you need that tool for, right? So, I am wiping the slate and following my rules like I'm a brand new bandster and Chris is committed to helping me stick by those rules. I had soup for lunch and yogurt for dinner last night. (I was really not prepared for my fill!) Today I've had yogurt, instant soup (instantly gross), and a protein shake. After a fill, its 48 hours of liquids, then I can move on to more substantial things. Thanks to the fill with fluoroscopy, I know that I should be in the green/optimum zone for my lap band and I really cannot push my boundaries now or I know I will pay dearly (stuck, slimming, puking, oh my!) So, I'm just going to pretend that I'm in the green for the first time ever, be appreciative and excited about this journey and try my best to not eat like crap because I have a million other things to do and worry about in my life. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

A new perspective

So…apparently having a baby makes you a million times busier than anything else in the history of ever. Lots of things going on in my little family right now and I just happen to have a free moment to catch you up on some things!

My baby boy is doing amazing! He just turned 9 months last Thursday (February 13th). I still can’t really believe it! He’s still adorable and loves to flirt with the ladies when we are out. He smiles at everyone but acts shy when he wants to. He’s starting to pull himself up to stand (!), he babbles and screams and says ‘ba ba ba’ and ‘da da da’ and his laugh makes your heart sing. He sits up on his own, feeds himself his bottles, tries to crawl (as much as he can since we have hardwood floors that we don’t let him on because they are constantly dirty), and is starting to learn how to eat solid foods. He picks bits up and gets them to his mouth, but sometimes he forgets he’s supposed to swallow it and spits it back out. I cannot wait until this kid can feed himself food. It will be messy, but totally worth it. Gizmo (our dog) is already learning the benefits of a baby learning to eat on their own…it rains food! Needless to say, Gizmo is quickly becoming Xander’s kitchen buddy. Xander also loves to cruise in his walker. He just recently learned how to move forward in it and will ZOOM across the floor. Best to wear shoes around this one…he runs over toes!

Xander is also starting to show stranger acknowledgement. If someone is holding him and he sees us (Chris or myself), he wants us and us only! He also starts to get grumpy when one of us leaves. I am not looking forward to this more when he gets older and can ask me to stay home…That will break my heart! Thankfully his Daddy will be there to play with him and keep him happy. Chris and I are both so excited for what the future holds for us and our little guy. 

8 months
9 month check-up with Daddy

Superbowl outfit! 

Lap Band
On the band front, I did get my fill in December. I got 2 cc’s put in and it did just fine. I felt restriction but not enough that it changed my portions really. It slowed my eating down considerably. I am still re-learning small bites and slower eating. I got another fill a month later in January, but I had some issues with that. This whole house buying process has left me more stressed than ever…so stressed it makes my band really tight sometimes. On top of that, 2 days before my January fill, I got a case of gastroenteritis. Feel free to Google that if you aren’t sure what all it entails. Thanks to that, I actually threw up 3 times (pretty violently actually). This was the first time I’ve thrown up or gotten really sick since I got my lap band in May 2011. Needless to say, this sickness made me swell even more on top of the stress swelling. But, I really wanted that stupid fill. I had lost 9 pounds since December by that point, but I attributed some of that to the sickness and not eating for almost 3 days. I told my PA about my sickness and she told me I could have rescheduled but I didn’t want to wait (because I’m impatient like that). So she just gave me 0.5 cc. It felt okay at the time and I figured it would loosen up after I had completely recovered from my sickness. After this fill, it was talking me 1-2 hours to finish my meals. I was okay with this, as I could still eat and it was nothing like the last time I was too tight and felt miserable. Then, the chest pains started. The first time it was sudden and went away as fast as it showed up… a throbbing pain in my sternum. Then a week later the pain was back and it did not go away. It HURT and then it burned. Then I felt like I was going to throw up. I could feel my esophagus tighten and the tightening was moving up and up and up all the way until I would gag. It was a little scary. It hurt so bad, I had to stop what I was doing on concentrate on breathing. That was when I knew it was probably time for a small un-fill. I call my doctor’s office the next day and they told me to take Prilosec to help with the burning (reflux) and scheduled me to come in on Friday for an un-fill. By the time Friday rolled around, I hadn’t had any more chest pain and I was taking Prilosec every night. My PA took out that 0.5 cc she put in just 2 weeks ago and I felt better immediately. She told me to give my body some time to rest and recover from these fills/un-fills and to come back for my next scheduled appointment in March. Since then, I haven’t really paid attention to my weight. I really don’t think about weighing myself in the morning anymore because I wake up with a baby and immediately take care of him. By the time I think about weighing myself, it’s nighttime and I’m all swollen and puffy from sitting at a desk most of the day at work. So, I’m just going to let the doctor’s office keep track of that while I take care of my baby. And lately I’ve noticed I don’t FEEL hungry that often; I am just eating because it’s time to eat. I’m going to work on that. My biggest issue is eating out of boredom or because there is food around. I’m going to try to work on listening to my body and my hunger cues and see where that gets me.

My new look on life/new beginnings
My life has been a complete roller coaster of ups and downs so far this year. I almost bought a house, then it fell through at the last minute (Do not even MESS with houses in flood plains, for the love of everything) and I was totally deflated and at a really low, dark place…then our living situation completely changed overnight and that house falling through was actually a blessing in disguise. Chris and I have since decided to move back to Muncie…our friends are there, my mom is there, the houses are more affordable, and it’s really just a better place to raise a child in our opinion. We will both keep our jobs here and commute. (It’s only 10 more miles than I drive now anyway.) We are now in the process of buying a cute little starter home in Muncie in a great neighborhood. We both couldn’t be more excited and as soon as we decided to move back to Muncie, a huge wave of relief washed over both of us. We are still pretty stressed out just due to general ‘buying a house’ stressors, but I feel much more knowledgeable and prepared in this go-round. I also am a lot happier about this process than I was with the first one. This time it feels right. Hopefully, this is one of those gut feelings that means good things are finally coming my way. I really need a break from all of this drama.

On top of the house/living situation drama, I’ve had some revelations in terms of the way I see myself. When I got my first fill in December, I was telling my friend Kelly about it and she said something to me that didn’t really sink in until a month or so later. (Feel free to correct me if I paraphrase this wrong, Kelly.) She told me she was concerned that I was putting too much weight (no pun intended) on the lap band/losing weight instead of being happy with myself first. She wanted me to see myself in a positive light instead of constantly yearning for the perfect size/weight/etc. At the time, I assured her I wasn’t going to beat myself up if the weight didn’t fall off like it did before. I know my body is different and I really know that this is NOT going to be my main focus as it once was…at least not any time soon.

A few weeks after this conversation, I came upon this awesome blog post that had a fat girl posing with a small, tattooed male model in an anti-Abercrombie ad (because Abercrombie hates fat people, per their company president). You can see this article here.  Then I found the girl that was in those pictures had a blog of her own. It was about her struggle with body positivity and trying to break down the barriers that make being fat so taboo. She was doing a campaign called “Smash the Scale”. You can read about it here. That campaign had pictures of this woman, in all of her 5’2”, fat girl frame, along with a plethora of women of all sizes and shapes and colors literally smashing scales with sledge hammers. I loved the idea of the campaign, but more so, I saw these women of all sizes in short dresses and fishnets with combat boots, skinny jeans and leather jackets, swing dresses with their boobs out and proud with their war faces on and I had this epiphany: These women look AMAZING and empowered. They don’t care if society thinks they shouldn’t wear tight clothes or short dresses if you are over a size 12. They don’t care if people think their funky hair or crazy clothes are weird… So why do I constantly tell myself that I will wear fun and funky things like that, or do a pinup photo shoot with awesome vintage hair and make-up and a swing dress as soon as I get to my goal weight? Why the eff am I waiting to reach a certain weight to do the things I really want to do and wear what I really want to wear? I’ve always prided myself on being awesome (because I am) and different and a bit of a nonconformist, but I’ve recently realized how much my obsession (for lack of a better word) with my weight has really held me back from being the me I want to be.

It was that moment, looking at those pictures of all of those awesome women, that I realized the only person holding me back from being that awesome was me. No one is telling me I can’t dress that way but ME. I can say I know I’m awesome all I want to, but I always felt like a bit of a hypocrite saying it because I didn’t really FEEL like I was that awesome. So, I’m working on changing that. I’ve decided to finally throw out the majority of my wardrobe and start all over again. I have had the same clothes since I got out of high school and started working at Lane Bryant. I am way overdue for a new look. I have always loved the pinup/rockabilly style. I started doing research on it; the clothes, the hair, the make-up. It was pretty overwhelming at first, but I reminded myself that I don’t HAVE to do everything in a traditional way. That’s the whole point of being empowered and being yourself, right? BE YOURSELF. If I want to wear a swing dress with big hair and no make-up, who cares? If I want to wear bright red lipstick with skinny jeans and combat boots, THEN I WILL! I will take what I want from ALL of the styles I have always liked and make it my own. I’m 28 years old (almost 29…yikes!), I think it’s high time I developed a look that is all my own. My first step has already been completed… NEW HAIR. See pics below. 

In the midst of all of these life-changing, body empowering revelations, I came upon another amazing body-positive blogger. She is the girl in the ‘fat girl dancing’ videos flying around Facebook and the internet. She has a campaign she is about to launch called the No Body Shame Campaign. You can read about this here. She is another one of the women out there that help remind me that I don’t have to constantly focus on my weight and let it determine my happiness. And I don’t have to hold myself back from doing what I really want to do just because I think I’m too fat. Who am I too fat for? Not my husband, or my baby, or my family and friends…just me apparently. I’m too fat for myself. Well, that’s going to change damnit. I know it’s not going to be easy for me to try to change 20+ years of body shaming, self-loathing, and distorted thinking, but I am going to do my very best to try.

Now you may be asking yourself… so does this mean you aren’t going to try to lose weight now? What about your lap band? ALL THAT TIME AND MONEY WASTED? Well, yes, I think I am going to stop TRYING to lose weight. Instead, I am going to focus on being healthy and I am going to move more when I can, but I am not going to beat myself up if the weight doesn’t fall off. I am going to focus on my family, and my new home, and my job, and my happiness…not a number on the scale. I am going to LEARN to love myself at any size and be happy with who I am on the outside as much as I love myself on the inside (which I am also going to work on). I have wasted far too many years putting myself down because I didn’t look like I thought I was supposed to look like. I want to show my child that we are all different and that is awesome. I want him to grow up to love himself inside and out and I know that to teach him that, I have to be able to do it myself.  

Operation be as awesome as you are has started.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Dusting off my lap band

Ahoy there! Well, since my last depressing post not much has changed!

I'm still fatter than I want to be. I'm still struggling with motivation. My baby is 6 months now and more adorable every day. He is sitting up almost unassisted, giggling, mumbling, screeching, rolling over and over, and is really just the light in my life right now. Life is hectic and busy to say the least. Oh, and we are looking to buy a new house. Yay for stress!

I stopped breastfeeding about a month ago because Xander didn't have the patience anymore. He had gotten to used to bottles and my supply had stalled terribly after pulling a muscle in my back. So...that means I'm cleared (by me) to get a fill! I have a couple small doctor bills to pay off still (well, and a big one but I'm making payments on that mother), but I figured by the time I actually GET a bill for this appointment, I should have those other ones paid off. I also really wanted to get in before the beginning of the year and everyone makes their New Years resolutions to get weight loss surgery. 

So, I called Dr. Diaz's office today and shockingly got scheduled for 2 weeks from today! December 4th is my fill date and I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm stalking the Lap Band Talk message boards again (which have since been renamed to refresh my mind and get back into the small bites/small portions mindset. I don't think my first fill will do much in terms of restriction, but I'm hoping to get 1-2 cc's put back in. Before, we were going slowly due to swelling, but I'm hoping to speed that process a bit for billing purposes. I'm going to try to not get my hopes up though.

So here I am, starting all over again. I did it once, I can do it again. I'm just going to keep reminding myself that when I get frustrated, stuck, or really pissed that I can't eat french fries. I don't need you in my life french fries! Bugger off!

Just wanted to give you all a quick, more positive update. I will post baby pictures and new 'before' pics after my fill in December. I'm also going to try to get back to posting at least monthly here to keep myself on track! Wish me luck!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Where's the follow-through, Erin?

Maybe I need to go back and read the beginning of my blog. Maybe somewhere in my words I can find where my motivation came from (as if I don’t know).  Maybe I can remember what it was like to have self-control and was able to say, “No thanks” on desserts, sweets, extra food, or anything at all.

I feeling a bit defeated today (ok, probably more like for the past month). My mind keeps going back to an article I read a long time ago on It’s called “Are YouCollecting a Pile of Underpants? It has a funny analogy to go along with an episode from South Park, but the gist of it talks about gathering all of your information, getting totally prepared to do something life-changing and exciting, and then not following through with it. This is the story of my life right now (and has been in the past as well). As previously mentioned, I have a thing for doing research. What I haven’t really mentioned (nor had a problem with until recently) was that sometimes all that research leads to a giant pile of useless information.   

I’m just over 4 months postpartum. I’ve gone down just one clothing size, and I’ve lost (on a good day) only 20 pounds. I’m sure regular people see 20 pounds and say “But that’s great!” and it is, but when you gained 60 from being pregnant and lost almost 100 before that, it’s nothing. I’ve been researching workouts I can do in my office, clean-eating, the paleo diet, reading motivational articles on Nerd Fitness… I even signed up for a new program they are creating just for women to be notified when it comes out to test it. (If I can afford it.) But here I am… not walking stairs, buying mini candy bars at CVS on a whim, wanting and getting ice cream whenever and wherever I can. Failing at life is what I would call that. I’m failing (and flailing). I brought this on myself. I knew when I got pregnant (hell, I knew this when I was thinking about getting pregnant) that I would lose all self-control, go a little nuts, and struggle to find that center I had at one point. I saw this coming and yet I still did nothing. If I could kick my own ass, I probably would right now.

I feel very stuck and conflicted. I want to get a fill and get back into my groove of losing weight, but I’m afraid that getting a fill and reducing my calories will dwindle my already lack-luster milk supply. I’ve been half-assed trying to just control myself, but I’m quickly realizing that I got the lap-band for a reason. I have no self-control. I think this is also known as a food addiction. I have a food addiction. No, I don’t eat entire pizzas in the dark crying to myself about how fat and out of control I am. I just… can’t seem to control myself anymore. I can’t say “no”. Maybe deep down, I don’t want to…but then why do I feel so awful that I can’t find that place I was at before I got pregnant when I was losing weight and being awesome? (Don’t get me wrong – I’m still awesome.) Oh wait, I think that’s what addiction is (and guilt, let’s not forget guilt).

I want to breastfeed for at least 6 months, but I would prefer a year (even though really only breastfeed part-time, in the evenings/overnights/early mornings). What does that mean for my body? I’m not breastfeeding enough for the calories to ‘melt off’ at the rate I’m eating them, but I get hungry constantly. My weight has been steady for about 2 months. I make some good decisions, but I also make some bad ones. I don’t work out or do any real calorie-burning activities. The cravings I gave into during pregnancy have not left and have only increased...Chocolate, ice cream, carbs in general… stupid, stupid cravings. I almost had those under control at one point...almost. Now I have to start completely over and it’s been so long, I’ve forgotten how. Yeah, I know how to say no. I have all the tools and information you could ever freaking need to get started, but my motivation is hiding behind the what-ifs of my baby’s milk-supply.   

Don’t even get me started on the fear I have that my child will grow up with the same food/eating problems that I have. That’s a whole other guilt-ridden post.

So what do I do? Get a fill at 6 months and hope for the best? Wait until Xander self-weans and hope I don’t continue to get fatter? Cross my fingers? Shut my eyes and hope for the best? How do you choose who to put first when it comes to this sort of thing? How long do you put yourself second? Is it considered selfish to put yourself first too soon? Do I even care what other people think? (No, but I have enough mommy guilt already. I am my own worst enemy.)

Ugh. Wake up Erin. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you are starting from the VERY beginning. Do not. Just. Don’t. I don't even want to think about that possible situation.