Monday, July 10, 2017

Negative Nelly

It seems I'm slipping already in my secret attempt at re-starting blogging to help with motivation. But here I am!

As with most fills before the green, my restriction I had is not as good as it was once the swelling went down. My portions are smaller in comparison to what they were, but I can still eat quite a bit and I'm hungry every couple hours. Head hunger is still a bitch too... I will eat a huge salad packed with protein but still want to eat even though I do feel physically full (not miserable, just full). I wish I knew why this urge to eat was so strong. It's very frustrating to not feel like you have control of your body sometimes.

Working out isn't happening yet. I'm waiting for my husband to be healed from a procedure so we can start going together but the healing is taking longer than anticipated...I'm trying to not be frustrated but I feel like my life is one big loop of "once this happens/is done/ends/starts things will get better" and then something else happens or that one thing never gets better/ends and things stay shitty....and this is why I have a hard time thinking positively.

My weight is basically the same as it was since my fill. I lost a couple pounds, which was awesome, but because of my inconsistent eating over the weekends it has gone back to going up and down the same few pounds - granted they are a few pounds LOWER than the previous yo-yo I was dealing with for the last few years, so that's a plus I guess.

I'm feeling a little down and defeated today (if you can't tell). I need another fill, but I hate racking up more bills and having to take a half day off work. I need to work out but I'm struggling to find time to fit that in. I need to control my eating more but evenings are crazy and weekends are never planned. I don't feel strong enough mentally, emotionally, or physically to keep up with all this right now. My family is exhausting me. Maybe I'm PMSing...since getting back on antidepressants my PMS symptoms have seemed much more obvious and drastic.

Either way, I really just want to snap out of this and find a new normal that doesn't suck.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

My "first" fill - day one

Alright. So I went to see the PA at my surgeon's office that does my fills. They weighed me at 245.5 (whereas my work scale weighs me at 247.5). We talked a little and I told her what was going on (hungry after an hour, struggling with carbs, all that working out with no weight loss). She agreed a small fill might help with portion sizes but only thought I needed a little bit even though I had been gone a year. She opted to give me 0.5 cc. I was a little miffed but I didn't argue.

Thankfully, she knows her stuff because I felt just right amount of funneling when I did the water sip test. We also talked about eventually getting a panniculectomy. She agreed that those 4 points ALL had to be met in order for my insurance to cover it. She told me to go to t he doctor ANY time I had any rashes or issues with my pannis. I don't have many now, but I suppose after I lose some more weight I could. If I get this done I would love to do it before the end of year (for insurance deductible reasons). Although I question my ability to lose 50 lbs by then. I suppose time will tell! After seeing the PA and getting my fill we went to see the nutritionist. Nothing new there. She said I was doing all the right things and to just keep it up. Focus on good carbs instead of bad ones. Eat more veggies. Drink more water. Increase probiotics.

We left my appointment and went to McAlister's so I could get some soup because I was starving. I had the chicken tortilla soup with some sour cream in it. It was pretty thick soup. I ate it slowly. I didn't eat the chips that came with it. I had sips of lemonade to drink. I resisted stealing a bite of my husbands amazingly delicious-looking club sandwich. I had a few bites of his potato salad even though I was full. At dinnertime I had an 8 oz protein shake around 6 pm and I had to eat some chicken noodle soup around 10:30 pm because I was again starving. I was getting a little worried this fill wouldn't do anything, but I reminded myself this is just what liquids do (and for good reason right now). 

This morning I've eaten greek yogurt (my usual) for breakfast and cottage cheese for lunch. An hour after my cottage cheese I felt hungry again (still not sure if it was REAL hunger or head hunger) so I ate some (8) crackers and a tuna pouch...then I was STUFFED. Like so full. I'm kicking myself for not stopping half way through that tuna pouch.

It's hard to stop eating after such a small amount when you've been eating 'regular' portions for so long. Now I'm paying for it by being super full. On the plus side, I now know that my fill may very well be what I needed to stay in check AND solid foods should be just fine. I didn't get stuck at all, I just got full. I do still need to work on bite sizes when I start eating more normal foods though.

So here I am. Re-learning how to use my band properly. Re-learning how to think like a banded person. Re-learning how to control that stupid voice in my head that just wants another bite.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Fill tomorrow

I have my first fill in almost a year tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, a little excited, a lot hopeful. I know this is going to be a struggle - I KNOW. But I have to prove to myself and my husband that I can do this (again) and show some damn self control.

I haven't had time to work out consistently and I won't for a while (ever?) so I know I need to get my diet under control if I want to get these 50 lbs off (again). As a bit of motivation I got the requirements of a medically necessary panniculectomy per my insurance. I was worried it wouldn't be covered at all - but it is!

Medically Necessary:
A.  Panniculectomy is considered medically necessary for the individual who meets the following criteria:
  1. The panniculus hangs below the level of the pubis (which is documented in photographs); and
  2. One of the following:
    1. there are documented recurrent or chronic rashes, infections, cellulitis, or non-healing ulcers, that do not respond to conventional treatment (for example, dressing changes; topical, oral or systemic antibiotics, corticosteroids or antifungals) for a period of 3 months; or
    2. there is documented difficulty with ambulation and interference with the activities of daily living;
  3. Symptoms or functional impairment persists despite significant* weight loss which has been stable for at least 3 months or well-documented attempts at weight loss (medically supervised diet or bariatric surgery) have been unsuccessful; and
  4. If the individual has had bariatric surgery, he/she is at least 18 months post-operative or has documented stable weight for at least 3 months
*Significant weight loss varies based on the individual clinical circumstances and may be documented when the individual:
  1. Reaches a body mass index (BMI) less than or equal to 30 kg/m2; or
  2. Has documented at least a 100 pound weight loss; or
  3. Has achieved a weight loss which is 40% or greater of the excess body weight that was present prior to the individual's weight loss program or surgical intervention.
B.  Panniculectomy is considered medically necessary as an adjunct to a medically necessary surgery when needed for exposure in extraordinary circumstances.


So according to this, if you take my original surgery weight into account, I need to lose these 50 lbs (or more), maintain for 3 months, and maybe have some type of rash with it (which I already have occasionally). The only clarification I need is if those numbers (1-4) ALL have to be met or just one of them? Things to think about while I do this. 

As usual, I have some doubts in the back of my mind but I'm trying to think positively. I did this once and my life was stressful, I can do it again. I am stronger than I was before in so many ways, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to do this. I just need to think about myself for a change and make a better effort to THINK when I eat instead of eating mindlessly to avoid getting stuck and being miserable. 

I'm not even worried about all the food I won't be able/shouldn't eat. I've been to the point where I can't and don't want carbs or chocolate or whatever else I shove in my face even if I'm surrounded by it, so I know I can handle it. Here's hoping this one little push of a fill will be what I need to finally need to get back in control. 

Monday, June 12, 2017

I tried...and failed.

Sneaking back in after a year long hiatus. Why you ask? I'm at my wits end.

Last January I decided I would try to do this damn thing on my own. Counting macros, working out - weightlifting to be precise, drinking water, eating better, etc. I did it....I thought I was doing it. But now at 6 months in with little muscle mass gained and NO weight loss whatsoever, and spotty ability to workout regularly now, I'm a little frustrated. What am I doing wrong? Is my body just not mean to eat more than 1200-1500 calories? How many carbs do I have to cut to make a difference? Do I need to add more cardio? What am I do wrong?!?!

Super frustrating. I gave in. I saw my lap band nutritionist and got some great ideas to help lower some carbs and increase protein. Not focusing on total calories as much as total carbs. I won't lie... I still struggle with it. I can generally keep it below 100, but keeping it below 80 (like she wanted) is HARD to do. Really hard. Dinner always screws me....or before bed when I get hungry and want to eat everything in sight.

Cue my next reason for writing. I'm getting a fill next week. I've been a little hesitant about it but I realized I got my lap band for this specific reason. To HELP me gain control of my eating habits so I can lose weight and not stay the same weight I've been since I gave birth roughly 18 months ago.

No more talk about babies or family or classes. This is strictly health and diet.


1. Workout: 3x a week, including 20-30 mins of cardio + 20-30 mins of weightlifting
2. Diet: Keep carbs around 80g a day; protein 80-100g a day; healthy fats only plz; drink all the water
3. Weight loss: 1-2 lbs a week per lap band surgeon suggestions
4. First short-term goal: 225 lbs. (Current weight 250 lbs)
5. Current measurements: (inches) (as of 5/7/17)
Bicep: L16; R16
Bust: 47.5
Band: 43
Waist: 44
Hips: 59.5
Thighs - 30.5
Calves: 16

Monday, July 18, 2016

Challenge Update!

So, I'm 2 weeks into my challenge. I had to start after the holiday because I had family in town and there was too much food to avoid. Firstly, my little accountability group has 24 people in it! It's a mixture of real life friends and mommy group Facebook friends. It's quieter on there than I had hoped, but recipes are still being shared and support is still given!

How have I been doing with it? Well... My chocolate intake is definitely LOWER than what it was. I've only had chips twice since I officially started. I have had a few snack cakes over the weekend in a moment of weakness. Other than that, I've been doing pretty good! No white bread, fried food, fast food...nothing!

I've noticed if I keep up on my water intake, I don't have time to eat junk and I don't get hungry as often (duh)... but this means up my water by A LOT (for me). I try to drink 24 oz of water between breakfast and lunch at work. Some days are great and I get in 70 oz of water before 4 pm...other days I only get 24-48 a day. There were even a couple days last week I only drank 8 oz of water ALL DAY. I know, I know! So terrible. It's better than it was I guess, but not where I need to be.

So, even as good as I've been doing, I still haven't lost any weight. I did lose 1.5 lbs in the beginning of last week but it's back already. I've realized the flaw in my challenge - just cutting out certain things doesn't really work if you are replacing them with other bad things that are not on the list.

Chris and I are struggling to work out on a regular basis. Something is always coming up that doesn't allow us to go together. We are going to have to come up with another way to do this I think. Maybe some at home, body weight workouts from or something.

I have my first fill after having the baby in about 5 weeks. I wish it was sooner but I made a promise to Chris that I would get my eating habits/lap band rules under control first. I've been so lax in following my rules that it's like I've forgotten HOW to be a good bandster. My bites are too big. I don't chew my food enough. I eat too fast. I don't measure my portions well enough. I drink more than I should when I'm eating. Basically doing everything I KNOW is wrong. This is called 'eating around the band'. I've been getting a little better at some things, but others I really am struggling with. I'm hoping to get a food scale in a couple weeks however, and looking forward to re-learning what an actual cup of food looks like.

I have a physical appointment scheduled with my primary doctor in a couple weeks as well. I told her I wanted to do some bloodwork for my vitamin levels so I can take those into my lap band doctor when I see them. I haven't had any blood drawn since I found out I was pregnant in February of 2015 so it will be interesting to see how they've changed! At that time, my vitamin D was low, as was my B12. 

I have some stressful things going on in my life right now that are probably hindering my progress a little as well. Pretty soon school will be starting and that will add to my everyday stress as well, so I can't really use that as an excuse for long.

Life, I've noticed, is always stressful and it will never be easy or calm or 'normal'.

Until next time! 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Challenge time!

Well, I got motivated from someone in my lap band Facebook group and decided to do a challenge.

This is going to be very hard for me because I have a weakness for chocolate. I literally eat it almost every day. It's everywhere at work. I crave it. It's a serious addiction for me. I really want to take my lifestyle change seriously though so I thought this would be a good kick-start of getting some of the bad stuff out of my life!

I am including crackers in with chips. Potatoes are going to be WHITE potatoes only. Healthy versions of these foods are okay. Juice from a juicer is also okay. Otherwise, I'm sticking to this list.

I've created a Facebook group that some of my friends joined and we are all going to do this together! I'm really excited for the motivation and accountability of having a group of people doing this with me. It's not just my regular Facebook friends either; I also invited the girls in my "get healthy" mom group as well! I have a whopping 15 people in my group as of now. We are going to post before and after pics, pics of food, recipe and snack ideas... So exciting!

I am allowing a 'free day' for the 4th of July and some people aren't even going to start until July 5 and that's cool too. I'm hoping to make it through the weekend and maybe the 4th without cheating at all. It's going to be hard though because I've also just started my first period after having the baby almost 9 months ago.

Time to go weigh-in for day 1!

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Back in the saddle

I think I'm ready for this.

After a baby, big move, a job change, having my second (!!!) son, and signing back up for school I'm finally ready to get back into banded life and get healthier. 4 years ago I was weighing in at 197 lbs after 2 years being banded. Now, I'm back up to 250 lbs after having babies (whoever said breastfeeding made you lose weight was a LIAR) and falling back into old, bad habits. Bad habits suck. Cravings are awful. Head hunger is my worst enemy. Finding the time and motivation to work out with kids is laughable...but I have to try.

My husband wants to try too, so we are going to attempt (again) to do it together. We worked out yesterday. This was the first workout I've done in over 2 years. I felt lost and nervous, but it felt good. I felt like I was accomplishing something. I haven't felt accomplished in a long time. I'm walking like a zombie because of it but no pain, no gain I suppose. (Maybe not as many squats next time though.)

I'm ready to do this.

I am scheduled for a fill at the end of next month. I have 4 weeks to start getting my eating habits in check and to get back into following the rules of the lap band. I've been eating too much, too fast and it shows. Not only am I not losing weight, I get stuck daily because I'm not paying attention to how small my bites are and how quickly I'm eating. I'm keeping track of that now to hold myself accountable and show my husband I have the control to NOT get stuck all the time.

The countdown to July 25th has begun!